Finding YOUR Therapist
What if I don’t like my therapist?
We meet new people all the time. Sometimes we’re happy to have made a new friend and sometimes we’re happier still if we never see them again! Some people seem to just ‘get us’ without much explanation while with others it can feel like we’re speaking different languages. It’s the same when meeting a therapist for the first time. You might ‘click’ immediately but most often it will take two or three sessions before you feel like they’re starting to really understand you. Or you might know straight away they are not the person for you. If this is the case it is perfectly okay to not schedule another session. In fact I strongly encourage it!
Research shows us that the most important ingredient in successful therapy is not the treatment model or program but the person delivering it and the strength of the bond between client and therapist (often called the ‘therapeutic alliance’). It is important that you feel a connection with your therapist. That you feel you can talk honestly, express your feelings freely and, feel safe when doing so. Don’t worry about hurting your therapist’s feelings, this is about you and your well being. You are important. You deserve to find the right person for your needs. Research also shows that having a strong therapeutic alliance is more likely to result in a better outcome in a shorter period of time. It’s time to be a little selfish and put yourself and your needs first!
It’s a good idea to ask yourself what your reason for seeking therapy is? What is it that you are hoping to change or achieve? This will give you a good idea as to the expert skills and knowledge you will need from your therapist. For example, if you’ve been experiencing panic attacks you will need to ensure that the therapist you choose has experience in dealing with anxiety disorders. Some therapists may only see adult individuals or perhaps they specialise in children. Having a clear idea of why you are seeking help will ensure you select a therapist competent to deal with your needs.
To be honest, that bit is the easy part. Next you need to ensure you are comfortable speaking with your therapist and this really comes down to personal attributes, personality and communication styles. Some things might be obvious, like if you prefer talking to males rather than females, older or younger therapists, or from a particular ethnic background. Other things may need a little more investigating such as religious background, particular sexual orientation or gender identification. Professionals are trained to treat all clients with equal respect regardless of their own beliefs and persuasions however, if it makes a difference to your feelings of comfort and safety then it may impact upon the therapeutic alliance (and therefore the success of therapy). Think about the personal attributes of the therapist and whether there is anything that would make a difference to your experience of therapy.
The next aspect to consider is personality and communication styles. As mentioned above, for a variety of reasons often unknown, we click with some people and not with others. Some therapists are loud, while others talk softly. Some are direct, getting straight to the heart of the matter. Others may go a bit more gently. All will most likely challenge you :) If you find you don’t connect with one therapist it’s important to ask yourself why and to make an appointment with someone different. So often I hear people who gave up on therapy altogether after one bad experience. It may take a few different appointments with different therapists to find the one that you connect with but don’t give up hope. YOUR WELL BEING IS WORTH IT.
Finally, a therapist’s treatment modality or theoretical orientation behind the treatment they provide may be something to consider. Research shows that the connection between the client and therapist is more important than the treatment model they subscribe to so I won’t dwell on this one too much. However you find that you prefer a particular approach over another. For example, I had a client who had been seeing therapists for many years and knew that cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) was not a treatment approach she felt worked for her. Instead I was able to introduce her to internal family systems (IFS) and she subsequently decided that this approach suited her needs much better. Another client did not connect with mindfulness or meditation. He described himself as ‘not a very imaginative’ person and connecting to his body made him feel anxious. Working together we were able to tailor a meditation script that used memories he had of a recent holiday (as opposed to ‘freeform’ visualisation) and steered clear of any body-focused techniques. In this way he was able to achieve the same benefits. So while the treatment modality might not matter, if a particular approach is not working for you, I encourage you to talk to your therapist. Most therapists will have received training in a range of treatment models so they will likely be able to suggest an alternative. They will most likely be delighted at your honesty and the very conversation may increase the connection you feel with them.
The point is, if you don’t like your therapist, don’t give up therapy altogether- just find a new therapist. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS WORTH GETTING IT RIGHT (but it’s perfectly okay if that’s on the third, fourth or fifth time!).
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